Greetings readers,
Today I have some rather tragic news for you all. It is my solemn duty to report that somewhere in Scotland; a mad geneticist has successfully fused the underside of a sweaty, 300 pound man’s big toe with a sweaty, 300 pound fan girl. This was the result:
Horrifying, is it not? But before I begin ranting incessantly about her, I thought I would indulge a little and rant incessantly about a franchise I consider to be somewhat of a plague upon the Earth. I realise this may raise some pulses but if you happen to be one of those whining tweens who is going to get moody about this then you should probably close your browser.
The series I speak of is of course, Twilight. Now let me explain something to all you nay-sayers who think that this series is worth the pain and agony it wreaks upon the educated people of the world. First; Stephenie Meyer... YOU WERE WRONG. Not just about one or two things – I mean you were wrong about everything. I understand that it’s merely a creative piece of writing and you are free to do with it what you will. But in the interest of preserving all that is correct and sacred about the history of the vampire; if I could travel back in time and stop you from ever writing those novels, I bloody well would.
I also understand that bitching and moaning about this series won’t do anything and I have no doubts about your writing skill. I do, however, want to bring up a few small grievances about these stories. First of all and most importantly, the characters – specifically those of the undead variety. I would like to think that if Edward Cullen decided to join a real coven of vampires, they would simply laugh, ruffle his hair and send him on his way. Also, what’s with the vampires waltzing around in broad daylight? In what short story, novella, novel, short film, feature film, magazine article, research document, or TV documentary are vampires immune to the effects of sunlight? That’s just fucking ridiculous. Vampires were fabled as creatures of the night – giving them the ability to walk freely among humans in the daytime hours robs them of all and any mystery they once had. This also makes them much less frightening, taking away yet another of their vital traits.
I’d now like to move to the concept of Mr. Cullen’s “family”. Let me make one thing clear, vampires are not nice creatures. While, in some cases, they do hold some form of nobility and a definite pack – coven – mentality, they still don’t accept humans into their family with open arms. Had Meyer been more realistic with her approach, the plot would have taken a slightly different path:
“Girl starts at new school; girl meets boy; boy reveals dark secret to girl; girl accepts boy; boy romances girl; girl meets boy’s family; boy’s family tears girl limb from limb in a gruesome ritual, ending the festivities by drinking girl’s blood and impaling her corpse on a large wooden stake in their front yard.”
Something tells me Meyer had never read the history of Vlad Tepes. I would like to make a note to all of the soon-to-be authors and screen writers out there. If you are going to write a novel or movie script about vampires, please stick to the legends. I know it may seem a tad cliché but do you know why it’s called a cliché? It’s because people use it a lot. And do you know why people use it a lot? BECAUSE IT FUCKING WORKS!
Vlad Tepes – Dracula – despite supposedly being the best leader Wallachia ever had, committed numerous atrocities. The most prominent of these was of course his affinity for impaling as a form of torture and very slow execution. And he certainly didn’t stop at men; Vlad impaled women, children, and great lords – more or less anyone he could get his hands on. It has also been told (and I’m not 100% on this because there are a few different versions of this story) that a group of travellers visiting his country – whether they were ambassadors or otherwise – refused to remove their hats in the presence of the prince as was custom in Wallachia at the time. Vlad was enraged and so, had their hats nailed to their heads so that they could never remove them.
All I’m saying is that while Meyer does seem to spin a good yarn – considering the worldwide audiences she has captured with her creation – almost nothing she wrote about vampires was correct. Among others, there was one detail that not only caught my eye, but made me question my faith in the future of writing – vampires with diamond skin. What the fuck? It still bothers me to write about it even now. Why in the hell do these vampires have shiny skin? What was the logic behind writing this into the story? The only scenario I can think have in which diamond skin would be useful is for... well, cutting diamonds. I imagine the vampires of the Twilight world would have absolutely no trouble getting work in Antwerp but aside from that, I am quite baffled.
Anyway, onto the thing – “thing” being the operative word here – I wanted to talk about in this rant; the fan girl. I’m not one to be needlessly cruel, but it’s people like this who make the world more unbearable for the rest of us. It’s all well and good to be excited about a new movie, book or game being released but it’s an entirely different bag of gravy posting a video of yourself ranting, screaming and crying in response to a movie trailer; especially a Twilight movie trailer.
· She was very distraught over Edward and Bella’s breakup.
· Pearl wasn’t too happy about it either...
She also made a point of telling everyone not to bitch about her posting this video on youtube but when a piece of media literally makes you feel sick, you’re obligated to voice your frustrations about it.
I’ve never really seen the point of these reaction videos as it is. If you want people to know what you think about something, write a review and post it online. No one... and I mean NO ONE wants to watch you watch something else and react to it for ten fucking minutes.
Overall, I have no issues with Stephenie Meyer as a person. I’m sure she’s a perfectly decent human being who wanted to put her thoughts onto paper. This can be very theraputic and as I understand, was a way for her to process a perpetual dream she had been having. It’s merely the concept of the story she wrote and the fact that she wrote it four times! It’s bad enough as it is now with a second film being released soon, but there are still two more to be made. I only pray that the film makers come to their senses before these future instalments are released. If not, I’m afraid we will all be doomed to a world of screaming, teenage fangirls resembling the likes of this:
· MOAR TWILIGHT!!!
Sorry to end the article with that but I had one more screen shot of this raging behemoth and I had to put it somewhere.
Yours sincerely,
Riddick-ulous.
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