It has been a while since I've posted anything up so I thought I'd review the most horrifically stupid film I've seen in a while.
So, let's get started shall we? The title of the film is Blue Demon. And no, there is no subtitle following that details any kind of "zooming sharks". This is merely a nod towards a point I intend to make somewhere in the body of this review; anyway, to the plot synopsis.
Blue Demon is about a government organisation utilising a marine biology research centre in order to create a group of "super sharks" as it were, for use in detection of mines or other explosive devices used in sea-combat. They have been training these sharks to recognise explosives and lead vessels to safety without being detected themselves. As usual, we are introduced to all of the "important" characters - the inverted commas should sufficiently outline my disdain for them as well as just how pointless I think they all are. First, we have the male protagonist; a 30-something year old marine biologist with the mind of a 12 year old and the attitude of a 12 year old and the... Well let's face it, this guy may as well have been a 12 year old. In place of his actual name - because I don't care to remember it - I dub thee; Billy!
Introduced second we have the sassy, sexy-ish 50-something year old blonde - who looks like she missed out on a couple of face lifts - marine biologist and ex-wife of Billy. The first thing I noticed about these two and the first thing to get on my nerves about this film was that they seemed to spend the entire first half of the film exchanging rather cold witticisms and insults over the head of some other marine biologist with vague resemblance to Wayne Static (the singer of the band Static-X). After about ten minutes of this you actually start wanting to yell at the screen for pushing the point that the couple are obviously going through some withdrawal from each other. This is made ever more prominent considering the blonde (I'm calling her Julie... Strangely enough, I think that may actually be her name in the film) is still seen to be wearing her wedding ring; revealed to be somewhat of a family heirloom to Billy early on in the film.
There was also a rather callous "little person" - that's what they like to be called - introduced to the audience as the couple's boss at the research centre. The most off-putting thing about this casting choice was this actor being the only person I actually knew from other, more popular films. While I pondered, nearly napping... I woke up and realised that the film industry isn't blessed with enough little people to fill all of the either contrasting or demeaning roles. What I mean by this is that little people only ever seem to get work in the film industry if the role is a dwarf or a troll, a highly important managerial figure (hence the contrast; it's like calling a really skinny man "Fat Joe"), or simply two freaky midget wrestlers - one of which is Mexican and enjoys sex just a little bit too much.
... Sorry about that last one. I also watched Feast II recently and two of the key characters were in fact midget wrestlers... and they owned a key making business which was slightly odd.
Anyway, I'm not really going to bother with the Wayne Static replica because all he did was confuse me. He started out as the comic relief for the heroes and somewhere around the third quarter decided it would be a good idea to reem Billy over the back of the head with a large stick. I wasn't really sure what happened after that point. All I know is, like most of these stupid movies, the protagonists enjoyed a happy ending.
So now we move to the focus of the film, the element without which this film would lose all meaning; the sharks! So as far as I could tell, the government commissioned six of these bad boys to be created and trained. Can you guess what happens next? That's right! The killer fishies escape and go on a rampage, consuming all in their path. Unfortunately, this is yet another point where the film rolls down a hill and lunges off a cliff into a giant crater filled with scorpions. It also happens to be the part of the film I said I would refer to in my introduction.
Let me ask this of all the marine biologists out there; when was it that sharks began making "zooming" noises when they passed by? Was I asleep for this little transformation? Did Mother Nature get bored and think "You know what? I just feel like there's something missing with those sharks! I know! I'll make them sound like Formula 1 cars when they swim around! Brilliant!"
NO!
In my opinion, it's much more likely that they went to a special school, kidnapped a lower-functioning autistic child, stapled raging baboons to his eyelids and set him to work on the soundboard during post-production. Who knows? They may have done this a few times until they had a veritable workforce of autistic, raging baboon stricken children putting the entire film together. And it's just ignorant to say a chimp wrote this script... because chimpanzees are intelligent.
To sum it all up, Julie loses her wedding ring, the sharks kill a few people, there are a couple of random appearances made by this black fisherman who manages to kill one of the sharks with a spear to the face, the protagonists run around trying to stop the sharks... and well, to be honest, I actually have no idea what happened after this point. I practically blacked out and when I woke, Billy and Julie were on a street somewhere and he was putting his grandma's ring back on Julie's finger and they kissed. THE END.
My God, it hurts to even talk about that film. I'm beginning to think that this pile o' junk doesn't even deserve a rating. But for the sake of professionalism, I will try. Okay, I would give this film a shocking one out of five. I mean I can't exactly give it a zero can I? It's not like the premise wasn't alright; the film makers merely lacked the funding required to hire any real actors and really put their vision onto the screen in a way that didn't make me want to throw my TV through the window and go bludgeon some kittens with a cancer patient.
Yours sincerely,
Riddick-ulous.
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