Remaking A Deadly Formula

We all remember the first time we saw that crazed pensioner running around Camp Crystal Lake, hunting down a group of frightened, immoral and apparently sexually frustrated camp counsellors and violently dispatching them one by one with naught but the taste of revenge on her lips - after which she was violently dispatched herself by way of decapitation.

I'm sure we also remember the sequel to this film, featuring the recently resurrected son of this psychopath - carrying on the family trade - one Jason Voorhees.

I'm sure we also remember the three-quel to this horrifying cinema legend, featuring yet again, Mr. Voorhees and his desire to seek vengeance for the beheading of his dear mother (we now realise he seems to be immortal... hmmm).

I'm not going to keep on with this format - largely due to the nature of my previous bracketed statement - partly because I would end up explaining the same plot over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and...

...I'm out of virtual breath.

The unfortunate thing about the Friday the 13th Series - and the Nightmare on Elm Street Series - is that there really isn't anywhere to go with the storylines or characters after around the third instalment. Both series are filled with gratuitous violence, vigorous, pre-marital sex and numerous instances of drug use.


Can you imagine him as a public service
representative? "Okay kiddies! Stay away
from drugs and pre-marital sex lest I
impale you with a rather large machete!"

This is, of course, the "Deadly Formula" mentioned in the title of this review. It seems that this exact combination of immoral elements is what sets off the overly corny and predictable killing sprees of these two supernatural psychopaths. This said, I have always enjoyed these types of films. Sometimes, there's simply nothing more satisfying than watching a giant, teenage douche-bag get a machete through the chest. This is by far, the only good thing about this remake. Unfortunately, the amazing amount of violence in this film along with the ridiculous kill-rate is overtaken by the fact that remaking a film that already has not only a prequel but eight sequels seems to completely destroy any suspense the film may boast. The most profound example of this being that we all know Jason is immortal after ten films - eleven if you want to count Freddy vs Jason - of the surviving protagonists thinking they've snuffed out the hockey mask-wearing slasher, only to find out at the end of each film just how horrifically wrong they are.

I don't believe I need to spend a whole lot of time discussing the plot of this film because regardless of whether you've seen the original films or not, features like this can often be described using only four brief phrases:

- Unbelievable teenage douche-bags.
- Gratuitous pre-marital sex.
- Occasional drug use.
- Extreme and rather entertaining violence.


Can you spot the unbelievable teenage douche-bag?

As much as the Friday the 13th series is considered to be one of the legendary horror franchises of our time, there really isn't anything more to it than the points mentioned above. The deepest you could go in terms of looking for hidden meanings behind Jason's desire to tie up his victims in sleeping bags and hang them over campfires until they cook is that he is seeking revenge for the horrible and somewhat untimely death of his mother - but let's face it, she was rather old and probably would have died soon anyway. The problem with this motive is that she was killed because she was running around slicing everyone up and I'm pretty sure that's the kind of thing society frowns on these days. I mean, sure, the camp counsellors did nothing to save poor little Jason from drowning because they were too busy snorting cocaine or whatever it is counsellors did in the 80's but that's no reason to introduce them to an assortment of sharp objects. Also, I'm a tad confused as to how a 70 year old woman managed to overpower a large group of incredibly fit, 22-25 year olds but I suppose that's not that important.

Overall, the remake of Friday the 13th Part 2 - I'm assuming this is the film they based the remake on considering the start of the film was simply the beheading scene from the original instalment of the series - left much to be desired. I felt like it was incredibly unnecessary considering I already knew that Jason would surivive no matter what they tried to do to him. I suppose that's just one of the perks of being immortal, but who knew he would jump out of the water at the end right?

On the very slim chance that the people who put this remake together will ever read this review; here's some advice for you. If you're going to remake a film, make sure that the story you're using hasn't already been used in the original version and if it was already used, make sure that you present it in a way that is new an innovative. For example, Rob Zombie took the history of Michael Myers - the notorious and somewhat immortal killer from the Halloween series, not the somewhat retarded actor from the Austin Powers films - and turned it into a disturbing yet intruiging documentation of the beginnings of a complete psychopath. What he created worked because he came up with a new and rather messed up light under which to place this franchise and he ran with it. Unfortunately, not all members of the film industry are as creatively orientated as Rob Zombie and as such, they obviously felt they needed to pump out something quick and crappy in order to generate a few extra handfuls of change to compensate for the rapid decline of things to fill their pockets with.

I give this film a 4/10 for sticking to tradition.

Yours Sincerely,

Riddick-ulous

Toe-Face: The Stalker of Robert Pattinson

Greetings readers,

Today I have some rather tragic news for you all. It is my solemn duty to report that somewhere in Scotland; a mad geneticist has successfully fused the underside of a sweaty, 300 pound man’s big toe with a sweaty, 300 pound fan girl. This was the result:

Horrifying, is it not? But before I begin ranting incessantly about her, I thought I would indulge a little and rant incessantly about a franchise I consider to be somewhat of a plague upon the Earth. I realise this may raise some pulses but if you happen to be one of those whining tweens who is going to get moody about this then you should probably close your browser.

The series I speak of is of course, Twilight. Now let me explain something to all you nay-sayers who think that this series is worth the pain and agony it wreaks upon the educated people of the world. First; Stephenie Meyer... YOU WERE WRONG. Not just about one or two things – I mean you were wrong about everything. I understand that it’s merely a creative piece of writing and you are free to do with it what you will. But in the interest of preserving all that is correct and sacred about the history of the vampire; if I could travel back in time and stop you from ever writing those novels, I bloody well would.

I also understand that bitching and moaning about this series won’t do anything and I have no doubts about your writing skill. I do, however, want to bring up a few small grievances about these stories. First of all and most importantly, the characters – specifically those of the undead variety. I would like to think that if Edward Cullen decided to join a real coven of vampires, they would simply laugh, ruffle his hair and send him on his way. Also, what’s with the vampires waltzing around in broad daylight? In what short story, novella, novel, short film, feature film, magazine article, research document, or TV documentary are vampires immune to the effects of sunlight? That’s just fucking ridiculous. Vampires were fabled as creatures of the night – giving them the ability to walk freely among humans in the daytime hours robs them of all and any mystery they once had. This also makes them much less frightening, taking away yet another of their vital traits.

I’d now like to move to the concept of Mr. Cullen’s “family”. Let me make one thing clear, vampires are not nice creatures. While, in some cases, they do hold some form of nobility and a definite pack – coven – mentality, they still don’t accept humans into their family with open arms. Had Meyer been more realistic with her approach, the plot would have taken a slightly different path:

“Girl starts at new school; girl meets boy; boy reveals dark secret to girl; girl accepts boy; boy romances girl; girl meets boy’s family; boy’s family tears girl limb from limb in a gruesome ritual, ending the festivities by drinking girl’s blood and impaling her corpse on a large wooden stake in their front yard.”

Something tells me Meyer had never read the history of Vlad Tepes. I would like to make a note to all of the soon-to-be authors and screen writers out there. If you are going to write a novel or movie script about vampires, please stick to the legends. I know it may seem a tad cliché but do you know why it’s called a cliché? It’s because people use it a lot. And do you know why people use it a lot? BECAUSE IT FUCKING WORKS!

Vlad Tepes – Dracula – despite supposedly being the best leader Wallachia ever had, committed numerous atrocities. The most prominent of these was of course his affinity for impaling as a form of torture and very slow execution. And he certainly didn’t stop at men; Vlad impaled women, children, and great lords – more or less anyone he could get his hands on. It has also been told (and I’m not 100% on this because there are a few different versions of this story) that a group of travellers visiting his country – whether they were ambassadors or otherwise – refused to remove their hats in the presence of the prince as was custom in Wallachia at the time. Vlad was enraged and so, had their hats nailed to their heads so that they could never remove them.

All I’m saying is that while Meyer does seem to spin a good yarn – considering the worldwide audiences she has captured with her creation – almost nothing she wrote about vampires was correct. Among others, there was one detail that not only caught my eye, but made me question my faith in the future of writing – vampires with diamond skin. What the fuck? It still bothers me to write about it even now. Why in the hell do these vampires have shiny skin? What was the logic behind writing this into the story? The only scenario I can think have in which diamond skin would be useful is for... well, cutting diamonds. I imagine the vampires of the Twilight world would have absolutely no trouble getting work in Antwerp but aside from that, I am quite baffled.

Anyway, onto the thing – “thing” being the operative word here – I wanted to talk about in this rant; the fan girl. I’m not one to be needlessly cruel, but it’s people like this who make the world more unbearable for the rest of us. It’s all well and good to be excited about a new movie, book or game being released but it’s an entirely different bag of gravy posting a video of yourself ranting, screaming and crying in response to a movie trailer; especially a Twilight movie trailer.

· She was very distraught over Edward and Bella’s breakup.

· Pearl wasn’t too happy about it either...

She also made a point of telling everyone not to bitch about her posting this video on youtube but when a piece of media literally makes you feel sick, you’re obligated to voice your frustrations about it.

I’ve never really seen the point of these reaction videos as it is. If you want people to know what you think about something, write a review and post it online. No one... and I mean NO ONE wants to watch you watch something else and react to it for ten fucking minutes.

Overall, I have no issues with Stephenie Meyer as a person. I’m sure she’s a perfectly decent human being who wanted to put her thoughts onto paper. This can be very theraputic and as I understand, was a way for her to process a perpetual dream she had been having. It’s merely the concept of the story she wrote and the fact that she wrote it four times! It’s bad enough as it is now with a second film being released soon, but there are still two more to be made. I only pray that the film makers come to their senses before these future instalments are released. If not, I’m afraid we will all be doomed to a world of screaming, teenage fangirls resembling the likes of this:

· MOAR TWILIGHT!!!

Sorry to end the article with that but I had one more screen shot of this raging behemoth and I had to put it somewhere.

Yours sincerely,

Riddick-ulous.

Blue Demon: Legacy of the Zooming Sharks

Greetings all!

It has been a while since I've posted anything up so I thought I'd review the most horrifically stupid film I've seen in a while.



So, let's get started shall we? The title of the film is Blue Demon. And no, there is no subtitle following that details any kind of "zooming sharks". This is merely a nod towards a point I intend to make somewhere in the body of this review; anyway, to the plot synopsis.

Blue Demon is about a government organisation utilising a marine biology research centre in order to create a group of "super sharks" as it were, for use in detection of mines or other explosive devices used in sea-combat. They have been training these sharks to recognise explosives and lead vessels to safety without being detected themselves. As usual, we are introduced to all of the "important" characters - the inverted commas should sufficiently outline my disdain for them as well as just how pointless I think they all are. First, we have the male protagonist; a 30-something year old marine biologist with the mind of a 12 year old and the attitude of a 12 year old and the... Well let's face it, this guy may as well have been a 12 year old. In place of his actual name - because I don't care to remember it - I dub thee; Billy!

Introduced second we have the sassy, sexy-ish 50-something year old blonde - who looks like she missed out on a couple of face lifts - marine biologist and ex-wife of Billy. The first thing I noticed about these two and the first thing to get on my nerves about this film was that they seemed to spend the entire first half of the film exchanging rather cold witticisms and insults over the head of some other marine biologist with vague resemblance to Wayne Static (the singer of the band Static-X). After about ten minutes of this you actually start wanting to yell at the screen for pushing the point that the couple are obviously going through some withdrawal from each other. This is made ever more prominent considering the blonde (I'm calling her Julie... Strangely enough, I think that may actually be her name in the film) is still seen to be wearing her wedding ring; revealed to be somewhat of a family heirloom to Billy early on in the film.

There was also a rather callous "little person" - that's what they like to be called - introduced to the audience as the couple's boss at the research centre. The most off-putting thing about this casting choice was this actor being the only person I actually knew from other, more popular films. While I pondered, nearly napping... I woke up and realised that the film industry isn't blessed with enough little people to fill all of the either contrasting or demeaning roles. What I mean by this is that little people only ever seem to get work in the film industry if the role is a dwarf or a troll, a highly important managerial figure (hence the contrast; it's like calling a really skinny man "Fat Joe"), or simply two freaky midget wrestlers - one of which is Mexican and enjoys sex just a little bit too much.

... Sorry about that last one. I also watched Feast II recently and two of the key characters were in fact midget wrestlers... and they owned a key making business which was slightly odd.

Anyway, I'm not really going to bother with the Wayne Static replica because all he did was confuse me. He started out as the comic relief for the heroes and somewhere around the third quarter decided it would be a good idea to reem Billy over the back of the head with a large stick. I wasn't really sure what happened after that point. All I know is, like most of these stupid movies, the protagonists enjoyed a happy ending.

So now we move to the focus of the film, the element without which this film would lose all meaning; the sharks! So as far as I could tell, the government commissioned six of these bad boys to be created and trained. Can you guess what happens next? That's right! The killer fishies escape and go on a rampage, consuming all in their path. Unfortunately, this is yet another point where the film rolls down a hill and lunges off a cliff into a giant crater filled with scorpions. It also happens to be the part of the film I said I would refer to in my introduction.

Let me ask this of all the marine biologists out there; when was it that sharks began making "zooming" noises when they passed by? Was I asleep for this little transformation? Did Mother Nature get bored and think "You know what? I just feel like there's something missing with those sharks! I know! I'll make them sound like Formula 1 cars when they swim around! Brilliant!"

NO!

In my opinion, it's much more likely that they went to a special school, kidnapped a lower-functioning autistic child, stapled raging baboons to his eyelids and set him to work on the soundboard during post-production. Who knows? They may have done this a few times until they had a veritable workforce of autistic, raging baboon stricken children putting the entire film together. And it's just ignorant to say a chimp wrote this script... because chimpanzees are intelligent.

To sum it all up, Julie loses her wedding ring, the sharks kill a few people, there are a couple of random appearances made by this black fisherman who manages to kill one of the sharks with a spear to the face, the protagonists run around trying to stop the sharks... and well, to be honest, I actually have no idea what happened after this point. I practically blacked out and when I woke, Billy and Julie were on a street somewhere and he was putting his grandma's ring back on Julie's finger and they kissed. THE END.

My God, it hurts to even talk about that film. I'm beginning to think that this pile o' junk doesn't even deserve a rating. But for the sake of professionalism, I will try. Okay, I would give this film a shocking one out of five. I mean I can't exactly give it a zero can I? It's not like the premise wasn't alright; the film makers merely lacked the funding required to hire any real actors and really put their vision onto the screen in a way that didn't make me want to throw my TV through the window and go bludgeon some kittens with a cancer patient.

Yours sincerely,

Riddick-ulous.

Rabbit Proof Fence: The Hitler Chronicles

Hello all!

Riddick-ulous here, writing from the public computer desk in the Somerset College staff room. I've just had the opportunity to watch the film Rabbit Proof Fence - we were showing it to our grade 10 English class in preparation for their next unit of work - and I quite enjoyed it. However, as with most films, there were a few aspects I wanted to bring attention to. So, strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride!



What you see above is what would be perceived as a largely inspirational and wholly tragic image. Rabbit Proof Fence is a true story based on the recollections of one Molly Craig, a young Aboriginal girl and one of "The Stolen Generation". The story follows Molly and her younger sister and cousin as they are taken from their family by the Chief Protector of Aborigines - a title I think this man made up to distract himself from the obvious lack of self confidence lurking within - thrown on a truck and carted off to what can only be called a concentration camp; only with less gas chambers and more throat-stuffing religion.

The trio are forced to dress in white and sleep on an old fold-out military stretcher in a room already brimming with other stolen children and a solitary tin bucket for a toilet. It would be matched only by the Japanese P.O.W. camps run during World War II if it weren't for the Fascist nuns and grinding church sessions. Molly eventually makes the decision that she would rather walk 1500 kilometres than sit through another of "Mr. Devil's" sermons (what the children call the Chief Protector of Aborigines). So, off they trek, into the heart of the Australian desert to find their way home. I'll leave the plot there partly because I hate spoiling movies for people but also because I'm just lazy.

Instead, I'll bring the focus down to the real issue I wanted to focus on in this review and one which I have hinted at a few times already. This is primarily "Mr. Devil's" extreme likeness to a certain dictator. If you haven't guessed it already then I recommend you stop trying to join in on discussions you don't understand. Regardless, I will tell you. I refer, of course, to the friend to the world, Adolf Hitler. It's phenomenal how similar these two men are and I don't just mean physically. I would imagine if "Mr. Devil" had as much determination as Hitler and just a little more political pull, he would have gone as far as to kill off all of the "half-castes" rather than just kidnap and imprison them. So, here's the first example...



Above, we see Mr. Hitler - I've decided this is what I'm going to call him from now on - presenting photographs of what later generations of Aborigines can look like if their heritage is diluted by years of interracial marriages; a process he refers to as "Breeding Out". This is certainly a less extreme version of what Adolf himself accomplished during the Second World War but this doesn't necessarily make it any different. As I've mentioned, this was the first time I had seen this film and Mr. Hitler really is one of those people you just wish would stop being stupid and maybe do something with his life that doesn't involved decimating our native culture. Decades later, of course, both John Howard and Kevin Rudd have felt it necessary to issue an apology to Aborigines everywhere as if it would fix anything their predecessors deemed as reasonable action.

From a realistic point of view however, this seems oddly similar to curb stomping your own brother in front of your entire family and years later giving his grandchildren cookies and milk as compensation - the phrase "Don't say you're sorry, just don't do it..." comes to mind. It is quite a meaningless venture; opting to apologise to a group of people generations away from those who suffered the atrocities, especially when you didn't actually do anything to them in the first place. I know the apology was supposed to be directed at their ancestors on behalf of our own but I don't think it was anything more than another way to gain good publicity from the Australian masses. I'm not saying Aborigines don't deserve some kind of compensation but to me, "sorry" just doesn't cut it.


(And in the background here, we see Herr Himmler... and... his "SS" pooch.)

And of course a photograph of Adolf for comparison...


(Don't you just want to ruffle his hair and call him adorable names?)

Okay, so I cut and pasted the moustache in but if Mr. Hitler could grow a moustache, I'd have money on it coming out like that. What really shocked me was not finding out when this film was set until the very end. Here I was, spending the entire movie thinking it was after World War II and that Mr. Hitler was inspired by the legend himself; I was oh so wrong! It seems Adolf took a leaf from the Chief's book and decided a high-cut hair style, square moustache and Fascist regime would suit as both a solid career and fashion choice. Here's another photograph just for your amusement...


("Look out Mein Herr! Zer iz a member of ze inferior race behind you! He's coming to destroy our illusions of grandeur!")

I just can't seem to get past the fact that this guy was essentially a less successful version of Hitler. If the real Chief Protector of Aborigines looked like this then maybe it actually was Hitler in his earlier years. Maybe he wasn't quite ready to take on the entire Hebrew race so he started small... with the entire race of Indigenous Australians. I see this happening in much the same way I could see Arnold Schwarzenegger lifting toy trucks as a child and perching Raggedy-Anne dolls on his tiny biceps.

It's all a preamble as far as I'm concerned.

Yours sincerely,

Riddick-ulous.

Starship Troopers Franchise

Greetings all!

Today, a good friend of mine suggested I post this review I wrote a while ago and I agreed that it was a good idea. So here it is, enjoy!

For those of you out there in internet land who are die hard Starship Troopers fans; regardless of how many of you there are, I suggest you stop reading this review right…now. I say this because I can guarantee that my next few comments will surely offend; but first, a brief history lesson.

The Starship Troopers franchise began as a sci-fi novel written by former Navy Officer, Robert A. Heinlein. The book was first published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction in the later months of 1959 and was soon after published as a hard cover novel the same year. The book is written in the first person narrative and follows the life and military career of Juan Rico, the blond-haired, blue-eyed (Hitler Youth anyone?) protagonist we know from the first and third films as Johnnie Rico. We are taken on an interstellar journey throughout mankind’s struggle against a species of large alien arachnoids known to most as “the Bugs”. With extreme overtones of what could only be called political and social abuse and violence being the solution to most if not all of life’s problems, the novel sparked much controversy among critics and readers alike. As of late last year, the franchise has warranted three films (only one of which I think actually deserves to be called a film), a CGI television series and two video games, both decent in their own right.

I recently re-watched the first Starship Troopers film directed by Paul Verhoeven and I must say it’s still as good as when I first saw the slightly boy band-ish Casper Van Dien jumping around in tight fitting pants and body armour that looks like it couldn’t stop a French fry. This movie begins by hitting viewers with a barrage of overzealous recruitment advertisements, shortly after which we are introduced to the dashing young college student, ‘Johnnie’ Rico, his somewhat frigid tease of a girlfriend, Carmen Ibanez, and his best friend and resident smart-arse respectively; ‘Dizzy’ Flores and Carl Jenkins. It’s always up for debate but from my perspective, each of the characters brought something useful and interesting to the table; however Carmen rather got on my nerves. What really annoyed me about this character was she was so smug about having Rico wrapped around her ring finger (Gumby himself would suffer serious spinal re-adjustments had he been in Johnnie’s place), that she barely showed even fake remorse for not returning his “I love you” as she was about to leave to join the Terran fleet. You see what you do to us, ladies? It’s always so push and pull with you lot. Although I can’t deny that women in cinema have had their fair share of being messed around. All the same, this particular big-lipped excuse for a woman is rather cruel in the way she treats our poor pretty boy protagonist

Can I just add as a side note; Denise Richards genuinely freaks me out. It’s like someone was working on a pair of teleportation pods and when testing it with a fish, Denise Richards accidentally got into the same pod as the fish and when they came out of the other pod, the two had switched lips. So remember this dear readers, somewhere out there is a trout with woman’s lips.

Anyway, getting back on topic; the other nerve-poking thing about the entire first half of the movie was Rico’s outright refusal to believe that his long time friend and admirer, Dizzy, was a much better option for him than the aforementioned ‘Fish-lips’. Not only was she beautiful, she was also tough, intelligent, and completely stark raving mad about ‘Johnnie’. On a more chauvinistic note she was even willing to put out for him. Surely this isn’t as important as her other qualities but at the same time it’s ridiculously annoying to get jerked around by the girl you think you love and one hell of a relief to finally get a girl who knows what she wants.

So by now, ‘Johnnie’ and ‘Dizzy’ have signed up for the Mobile Infantry, Carl has gone off to become an officer for the Earth’s psychic division and old ‘Fish-lips’ has gone off to become some form of metal space-birdie and eventually cheat on and leave ‘Johnnie’ Rico only to see her new ‘fly-boy’ boyfriend get his brains sucked out by a giant grub made almost entirely of stolen grey matter (And yes, I genuinely hate that girl). Despite my issues with Denise Richards’ existence, I would definitely rate this movie highly for not only its surprisingly decent acting but also incredible special effects for it’s time. Even the plot was much stronger than the franchise’s later instalments. But hey, I’m not here to review the good film of the three. I’m here to review the one that was quite horrible but strangely enough the nearest adaptation of the novel in terms of political and social themes. As I am quite conscious of length with all of my writing I will keep this next plot synopsis as short as possible. Mainly because I don’t remember much about the second film but also because I don’t particularly want to.

So just briefly, the second movie, Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation was really nothing special. I was also slightly disturbed when I saw an actress who had played the captain of a ship in the previous film and who was crushed to death by a giant steel door, now playing a completely different character. Aside from the fact that this film had nothing to do with the story or characters of the first one, it was still bearable to watch. This sequel is set on some barren wasteland of a planet abandoned by the Terran Forces long ago because of a devastating infestation of Bugs. We follow a group of soldiers, pilots and technicians as they attempt to get one of the planet’s research stations up and running in order to find out what really happened at the time of the Bug invasion. The one thing that caught my eye about this film was the introduction of the Mind Control Bugs only ever seen (to the best of my recollection) in the 1999 CGI television series. Anyway, the Arachnid menace attempts to take the base back by first sending wave after wave of Warrior Bugs at the humans. When this fails they resort to ninja-like tactics, sending in the Mind Control Bugs to go to work on their unsuspecting victims. Those who are ‘mind-jacked’ by these nasty little critters turn black at the fingertips and take an extreme liking to sugar cubes and sex. You would think this kind of behavioural alteration would be easily noticeable but maybe this particular party undertakes rituals during which people dip their fingers in dry ice and have sweet, sugary orgies and all of this is seen as common behaviour. More or less all of the characters die save the protagonist and some tough guy who was locked up for killing his entire unit when they were stationed at the research centre before the first Bug attack. Regardless of all his efforts to survive, he ends up sacrificing himself to allow the protagonist time to escape on a drop ship conveniently only spacious enough for one more passenger.

The third instalment in this series, Starship Troopers 3: Marauder is a completely different batch of Bug droppings and I mean this in the most literal way. The film seems in some respects to carry on from the first film. It is something like 15-20 years later and ‘Johnnie’ Rico has now worked his way up to being a General. The movie doesn’t put so much focus into having a solid plot as it does emphasising that the human race is now a bunch of morally retarded, suicidal, serial fascists to say the least. Said ‘lack of plot’ also saves me from ranting on about how predictable yet shockingly unexpected the various plot developments are. All I’ll say is that if you’re merely a casual Starship Troopers fan, then you may want to stay away from this film (unless you like being bible bashed). However, die-hard fans of the series may enjoy it quite a bit considering its similarity to the original novel.

Unfortunately it’s much less provocative than the book, mostly thanks to the obviously minuscule budget and fatal deficiency of support from the film industry and its public. There are some things I would like to make clear regarding a couple of the themes of this film. Point number one; this movie was so sickeningly filled with religious content that the pope himself would sooner slit his wrists and send himself to H.E double hockey sticks than grant it a second viewing. Punto número dos; this movie was so sickeningly filled with extreme American patriotism in a kind of “we’ll hang you on national television if you protest our God-given right to blow shit up” kind of way that Dick Cheney would sooner move to fund Al Qaeda than…never mind.

In summary, let me again mention that the first film still remains at the top of the pile for special effects, acting quality and consistency of plot. I must admit that there were some interesting aspects to the third film such as the introduction of the new breeds of bugs and the use of the hardly-touched-on marauder suits. Unfortunately for this film’s reputation (non-existent though it seemed being a straight-to-DVD release) there were some rather morale-breaking properties within that made me want to track down the people who made it, break into their rooms in the middle of the night and proceed to rape their brains out through their eye sockets with a rusty blade screaming “what the hell were you thinking?” over and over. This film is by far the worst of the three (and that includes the television series which was actually pretty decent) and deserves a one out of five for making me laugh so hard I jarred my knees when I fell to the floor in an uncontrollable seizure.

Yours sincerely,

Riddick-ulous.

The Promotion

Greetings once again!

Tonight, I rented and watched The Promotion, starring Seann William Scott and John C. Reilly.
It seems I was mistaken in my judgement of this particular film upon merely reading the blurb on the back of the DVD case. On the front cover, Jeff Craig from Sixty Second Preview even labelled this film as being "Terrifically smart and funny." Take a look...



It's strange because I could have sworn that when something is classified as smart and funny, it makes you laugh. I have to admit, I did not laugh once throughout the entire film. I barely even smiled. This leads me to believe that all if not most one-line reviews located on the covers of DVDs are simply puff pieces written to sell the film. I bet Jeff Craig doesn't even exist but if he does and did indeed write that one-line review, then it would seem he only watched sixty seconds of it as stated in his company's name. Usually I love John C. Reilly's films and Seann William Scott - well, let's just say you can't live with him and you can't kill him. I don't mind his existence but what annoys me is that he had to rely on the stupidity of his character "Stifler" seen in the original series of American Pie films - before they decided to swap out all of the actors for a group of people who no one had ever seen prior - in order to get laughs. In fact, as much as I liked the movie "Dude, Where's My Car?" the first few times, it was the same premise at base value.

You'd think one would realise that after doing so many films in which one played a character who was essentially stupid and getting laughs, that this formula works quite well and that trying anything else, especially an intelligent comedy, would be nothing short of possessing the IQ of one's previous roles. I don't really know why I established Seann as "one" just then, it's not as if anyone reading this is unclear about who I'm referring to. Reilly on the other hand, seems to still be playing the rather less intelligent character, an ironically intelligent move on his part considering that even though he is a smart man, he is also very good at playing stupid but funny characters.

I'd also like to address the line seen underneath the main title on the cover. It clearly states "From the writer of The Pursuit of Happyness". I would just like to say that I actually liked that film and that I believe Will Smith really made that role his own and was just a genuinely brilliant choice to play the character. If I may, I would like to perform a brief exercise for all of those who've seen The Pursuit of Happyness. For those of you who are uninitiated with this film, feel free to skip this section. Okay, are you ready?

I'm going to begin by revealing to you that in the movie The Promotion, Seann William Scott also narrates throughout the film via voice over. Now I want you to close your eyes and try to remember whatever you can of The Pursuit of Happyness. Make sure it's a scene you can remember quite clearly; a scene you can recall some of the lines from. Once you've captured that scene in your mind, take Will Smith out of the picture and replace him with Seann William Scott. Now play the scene over in your head with Seann reciting all of Will's lines. It just doesn't seem right does it?

All in all, I felt that The Promotion had very little substance plot-wise. Although it appeared to be deep, to me it seemed more like a high school student rambling on and on about the same point in an essay so that he could fill up the word limit. I was tempted to stop the film about halfway through but decided to keep watching considering I had paid $4.95 for this movie and was going to stick with it in the hope that some form of climax would reveal itself and the movie would get interesting.

This never happened.

The action in the film remained quite flat and even though some form of conflict did appear, it was never resolved. Rather than trying to solve their problems, pushing through to the end and growing in the process, one protagonist got exactly what he wanted, the other simply went back to where he had come from. It almost felt like watching an episode of South Park that just wasn't funny and consisted of nothing slightly interesting because I was sure that, had there been a sequel to this movie, nothing in the normal world would have really changed and even though *Kenny was killed by a giant fiery boulder in the previous episode, he still would be alive and well in the next.

I'm really not sure what prompted me to rent this movie. I'd not heard anything about it, I'd not seen any trailers, I didn't even know if it had been in cinemas or not. All I know is, prior to tonight, I had rented and watched every other film I found interesting contained within that video store and thus, was given the opportunity to know how a student dubbed team captain feels when he has to choose the uncoordinated kid because he's the only one who hasn't been assigned a team.

I give this film a two out of five for trying - in very much the same way I would give a lower-functioning autistic child a golden star because he spelled his name correctly on his exam paper.

Yours sincerely,

Riddick-ulous.

*I used Kenny being killed in South Park as a perfect example for comparison of a show in which almost nothing ever changes from episode to episode.

Movie Posters: a Retrospective

Greetings readers!
Over the past couple of years, the 'professionals' of the film industry have been struggling to produce original movie ideas. "Oh deary me!" I hear you say. "So tell us, what ever could be their chosen solution to this madness?"
Well, I think you should see this for yourself so I've taken the liberty of posting up some examples.

Enjoy!

Riddick-ulous.

So, let us begin. This is the first example I would like to show you all. Please, examine this first poster carefully.



Notice this; it is seemingly normal for a comedy movie poster. Two well known male actors positioned in the foreground and possessing reasonably happy expressions and two more or less unknown female actors positioned so far back that you could barely recognise them even if they had noticeable careers. Oh I do love the dynamics of the American film industry...

Now take a look at this one...

Oh look! Contrasting photographs! What a surprise! Personally I see this as the black man's response to the aforementioned film, "The Promotion".
The differences are even so spectacular that they circle around and become similarities. Think about it; on the one hand, we have two happy white guys wearing black suits with two white women in the background. On the other; two black men - one rather angry at the other - wearing white suits with no women in the background. Okay, so I don't know what there being no women in the background of this second poster has to do with anything but I'm just going to assume it's yet another way for Western society to continue treading on the dreams of African-Americans.

"No, Mr. black man! You certainly cannot have any of our women gosh darn it! Now please leave my property before you spread your evil, fun loving ways to my white, Anglo-Saxon family!"

Oki-day kiddies! Time for example number two! Take a look...



Once again, we have a perfectly reasonable and rather snazzy idea for a movie poster. It draws you in and makes you want to know what the movie is really about. Besides, cracked glass just looks awesome.

And here's our second contestant...



Okay, so really? Did they run out of ideas that quickly? These films were released in the same fucking year! How unimaginative must the minds of the film industry have to be to go ahead and release two completely different films belonging to two completely different genres with two completely different ratings and land on the exact same idea for a movie cover? It's just fucking uncanny! The actor seen middle-left even looks like Andy Garcia!

All this really does is convince me every director, producer and writer in Hollywood is secretly a pre-pubescent school girl and they all call each other before they go into final production to make sure they've designed the same poster so that they'll look cool when they both get released in the same year and all the other girls will be jealous.

And so we come to our third and final example for this post. This one isn't necessarily a comparison of two movie posters; more just a result of my boredom and something I thought would be funny. Okay, here's the first one...



First, let me just say that this is by far one of the most disgusting things I have ever witnessed. I actually sat and watched a baby monster skull fuck some lesbian or something - I don't know... She had short hair and seemed to be wearing comfortable shoes - and then proceed to empty its baby "baby-gravy" 6 inches deep in her throat. Ladies, if the thought of this does not make you want to take up celibacy, you have issues. But anyway, that's not the focus of this analysis. I'd like to draw significant attention to the power of language. I just think it's amazing how adding a few extra words or even a couple of extra letters to another word can change its meaning completely. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my take on the sequel to this gruesome horror story...



That's right... I went there.

Just to stray from the beaten path for a moment, I never did understand why you would feel the need to put the same characters on a poster twice. Although I suppose I could just throw this in with my "Western Society is trying to subjugate the black man" theory. After all, it's Greg Kinnear and Radha Mitchell - both white people - and who gets only the single poster appearance? Morgan Freeman, that's who. And shock-horror, he's black!

But more to the point, as seen in the "Feast" poster, the two are almost kissing. Sure, that monster doesn't have lips but should that mean he can't enjoy a good snog now and again. I guess if you were to flip the second poster anti-clockwise, mirror the image and then expand it a bit you would have more or less the same movie poster. Hmmm... Now I'm actually interested to try that. I'll be right back...



Ha! It seems to have worked!
"Look out Radha! It's a ravenous family of Greg Kinnears! They're coming to kill everyone and sexually abuse your mouth!"

I suppose that wouldn't be all that different from what Greg Kinnear usually does to... well... all of his films. It's not that I don't like him. It's just that don't ever want him anywhere near me. There's something naturally sleazy about Mr. Kinnear - like if I was stuck in an elevator with him he would just be throwing me that creepy "I'd like to sex your face" glance every five seconds until I finally asked him if he wanted something then he'd say...

Okay I should probably stifle my next few words. I'm sure you knew where I was about to take it.

And so, dear readers, I hope you enjoyed my first post and I promise you there will be more to come soon!

Yours sincerely,

Riddick-ulous.